The number one way that I describe the personality of someone is by what Hogwarts house they belong to. I am a Hufflepuff and Nick is absolutely a Gryffindor, despite what Pottermore says. I also like to imagine to which house different television characters or celebrities would belong if they got their letter from Hogwarts. So here is my very official and legitimate assessment of where these well-known characters would sit for breakfast if they went to the wizard school.
Rachel Green – Slytherin: She is very ambitious, working terrible jobs and putting up with having to slowly climb the ladder. She leaves her rich husband at the altar, lets her rich dad cut her off, and starts living independently because she knows what she wants and is willing to work for it.
Monica Geller – Hufflepuff: Monica is the embodiment of warm, loving, and hard-working. Everything about her personality is nurturing and caring, from how she takes in Rachel when they haven’t even spoken in years to the way she loves hosting the friends at her apartment.
Joey Tribiani – Gryffindor: Some may chalk it up to naivety or ignorance, but Joey really isn’t afraid of anything. And what he is afraid of, such as losing his friends or failing at acting, he still strives for. He takes risks and has a lot of nerve with the way he approaches difficulties in life.
Chandler Bing – Hufflepuff: Chandler was hard to place because he hides too much of his personality behind sarcasm and insecurities. While Chandler is basically the king of the sarcastic comeback, he is rarely (if ever) actually mean to other people. He doesn’t want to truly hurt them, just make light of embarrassing or cringy things. He is endlessly supportive of his friends and always there for them when they need a hug or to eat cheesecake off the floor.
Pheobe Buffay – Ravenclaw: Pheobe is literally Luna Lovegood. She’s quirky, has an interesting lifestyle, and has an open mind to more things that her peers. While Pheobe isn’t the most academic person ever, that’s not what Ravenclaw is really about. It’s more about curiosity, wisdom, and even quirkiness. Pheobe is always willing to jump into any situation just to experience it and her rough childhood living on the streets has given her a lot of wisdom about life. I don’t think I need to elaborate on the quirkiness.
Ross Geller – Ravenclaw: Ross has a lot of the bad side of Ravenclaw. A complete academic, working at a museum researcher and college professor, he’s also a huge know-it-all. He’s very focused on traditional intellect and scientific fact, refusing to open his mind too much outside of that. He often makes fun of people who value other things than intelligence, such as Rachel’s interest in fashion or Joey’s brawniness.
Archie Andrews – Gryffindor: Archie is possibly the most Gryffindor to ever exist. He’s very brave, loyal, and chivalrous. Constantly he is standing up against bullies or criminals, protecting the weak, and always comes to a call for help. The Red Circle and his plotline with Veronica’s dad show that he is full of nerve and courage, and is fiercely protective to a fault.
Betty Cooper – Slytherin: No I’m not putting her in this house because of her dark side. Betty is just extremely determined and cunning. Her stint as a detective trying to find out who the Black Hood might have put her into Ravenclaw as a seeker of knowledge, but she is much too ruthless and clever to not be Slytherin. She needs to be in perfect control of everything around her and is willing to do what it takes to put it there.
Veronica Lodge – Hufflepuff: This might be a controversial choice, but hear me out. I was going to put her into Slytherin, but I think I would just do that because she’s a Lodge and the rest of her family are Slytherin to the bone. But that’s not fair. Veronica is really a kind-hearted and kind person at her core. She’s kind to all kinds of people in school, from the unpopular to the downright sketchy. She even protects and cares for Cheryl, who is basically the antagonist for most of the show.
Jughead Jones – Ravenclaw: Jughead wants the truth. The way he distrusts authority and always digs deeper to find out what’s really going on is why this is his house. He’s also very philosophical, often contemplating the real meaning of life and why society works the way that it does. He’s also pretty quirky, something he is very willing to talk at length about.
Cheryl Blossom – Slytherin: I was hesitant to choose this house for Cheryl for risk of typecasting the archenemy as Slytherin. But she truly is extremely cunning, resourceful, and is only loyal to those who are loyal to her first. Despite Riverdale High not having too strict of a social hierarchy (most popular dream boy Archie is best friends with poverty-stricken gang member Jughead), Cheryl is terrified of losing her position in the school. She wants to be the leader of the school and will fight tooth and nail to get there.
Jake Peralta – Hufflepuff: If there is one thing that Jake Peralta stands for, it’s justice and fairness. He loves being a cop and detective for just that reason. He wants to make the world a better place and he works extremely hard to solve cases and put away the bad guys. He is also exceptionally kind and loving, especially with his best friends and partner. He’s not afraid to apologize when he’s wrong and is willing to listen to criticism if it will make him a better friend or cop.
Rosa Diaz – Gryffindor: Rosa Diaz is exceptionally brave and courageous. Besides being the resident badass who is always armed and ready for combat, she’s also unendingly loyal and willing to literally kill for those she loves. She isn’t afraid to be herself and the way she stands by her bisexuality in the face of people rejecting her for it shows just how brave she is. Rosa also loves adventures and doing things the non-traditional way, but the most exciting way.
Terry Jeffords – Hufflepuff: Terry is such a kind-hearted, passionate, and patient person. He may be a high-ranking leader in the 99, but he leads with compassion and forgiveness. All he wants is for his squad to be the best they can be, and puts their needs above his own. Also, the way he so openly talks about and loves on his wife and kids show what a huge heart he truly has. He’s a working dad that makes a really strong effort to spend time with his family, which means he’s a very hard worker to balance those sides of his life.
Amy Santiago – Slytherin: Amy is the most dedicated and ambitious person in the 99. While all the others are great detectives, Amy is the one that is always working towards her next step up the ladder. She became a cop with bigger dreams and she even makes her first step up into sergeant. She’s also very intelligent and resourceful. She does fall into the Slytherin pitfall of being a bit too prideful at times when it comes to her abilities, but she is a very competent officer as well.
Charles Boyle – Hufflepuff: I’m partially choosing this one for Boyle because he would absolutely not accept being in any other house than Jake. Even if he was sorted first because of alphabetic ordering, he would go up to Dumbledore and bother him until he could switch. After all, Boyle is loyal beyond all else. I mean what wouldn’t he do for Jake? He’s also very kind and loving to his other friends as well. He’s the cheesy and overexcited friend, but that’s just because of his intense need to make everyone else as happy as he can make them.
Gina Linetti – Ravenclaw: Gina is a very hard person to peg down because of her big personality. I landed on Ravenclaw for a couple of reasons. One is her amazing ability to read people and figure out how to manipulate them. She can meet a person and know everything about them within minutes and convince them to do anything. She’s definitely smarter than she lets on at any rate. She’s also very quirky and different from everyone else at the 99, but still somehow fits in perfectly.
Raymond Holt – Ravenclaw: Raymond may be ambitious, loyal, and kind-hearted, but above all else, he is one thing: ostentatious. Now, he would probably have me fired if I said that to him, but he really is. He’s well-read, educated, intelligent, and he wants everyone to know it all of the time. He also looks down his nose at people who aren’t as literary at himself. On the positive side, he is also very wise from his years of working as a gay black man in the police force. He almost always knows what to do and the squad doesn’t just turn to him because he’s their boss, but because he will know what is the wise decision.
Snow White – Hufflepuff: When I was a kid, I wanted to be Snow White, but not because of her Prince Charming. I just wanted her ability to talk with and make friends with animals! I think this quality perfectly encapsulates her Hufflepuffness. She’s gentle, kind, and radiates a feeling of safety and security. She is also very hard-working and patient, which you’d need to be to live with seven gross men.
Cinderella – Hufflepuff: It’s Cinderella’s affinity with animals and ability to put up with the abuse of her cohabitators that reminds me how kind and patience she is. I honestly think that most women back in the day would be a Hufflepuff since they were forced to be docile and submissive whether they wanted to or not. Anyways, she spends her whole childhood working her ass off, putting up with her stepsisters every whim, and doesn’t complain once.
Aurora – Hufflepuff: This is making me realize that the original princesses basically have no personality. They don’t really do anything for themselves, but just have things happen to them and react. Basically, all they have going on is that they’re kind, put others above themselves, and value fairness, so that puts them into Hufflepuff.
Ariel – Gryffindor: Ariel literally threw away her whole life, her family, and her voice to get onto land. Some people would argue she’s being stupid or brash, but look me in the eyes and tell me that Harry Potter isn’t the most stupid and brash character you’ve ever read/seen. Sometimes bravery and foolishness can look a lot alike. All arguments aside, she definitely has a lot of nerve.
Belle – Gryffindor: Belle is extremely brave and courageous. She goes after her father when he goes missing, offers to take his life sentence so he can go free, and constantly stands up to Beast when he’s trying to be all scary to her. She also has a strong sense of morality. She insists that Beast respect her before she’ll open up to him and she stands up for Beast to the town.
Jasmine – Slytherin: This is a girl who knows what she wants and refuses to accept any other result in life. She will not be married off by her father, she will not be taken advantage of by some old guy, and she will not let Aladdin just sweep her off her feet because he has a big hat and a fancy carpet (oh wait, it flies? Nevermind she’s down). It might seem counterintuitive to put her in this house since she turned away power and tried to run away from her royal life, but ambitious doesn’t just mean being the richest or more powerful.
Pocahontas – Ravenclaw: I find that Pocahontas is one of the wisest of the Disney princesses. I mean how can she not be with her magical tree grandma thing? Ravenclaw is also known for being all about brains over brawn, and Pocahontas is all about teaching John Smith about her culture instead of his method of just conquering. I mean she learns to speak fluent English in an afternoon, clearly, she’s pretty smart.
Mulan – Gryffindor: How could Mulan be anything other a Gryffindor? She literally charges off to war in order to protect those she loves. She makes that decision in less than an evening, too. She knows that sending an old, crippled man off to war is completely wrong and she is going to fix it. I honestly don’t know what else to say: Mulan is a badass.
Princess Tiana – I HAVEN’T WATCHED HER MOVIE. I’M SORRY. I’M THE WORST.
Rapunzel – Ravenclaw: Rapunzel reminds me a lot of Luna as well. She’s optimistic, creative, and has a pretty open mind (cut to Rapunzel leading a club in a sing-along). I choose Ravenclaw for her because of how intensely curious she is. She spends all of her days inside just wondering about the outside world and trying to learn more about it. She’s also mad talented at a million different things. She’s also super quirky.
Merida – Slytherin: I was skeptical about putting her into Slytherin just for standing up to her mom a couple times, but then I remember she fully steps up and competes for her own hand in marriage. Instead of just running away and putting her family at risk, she finds a loophole and uses it to get what she wants. That is pretty resourceful and intelligent to my mind. When that backfires, she goes and takes some spell from a witch and feeds it to her mom. That’s…next level.
What do you guys think? Did I nail it or did I missort? Let’s talk about it in the comments!