Why girls do that thing you don’t understand

Guys tend to think that girls are so weird and confusing and silly. We go to the bathroom in groups and take so many selfies! We’re so kooky! Well don’t worry, I’m here to explain every stupid thing that girls do.

Bathroom parties

When I get up to go to the bathroom in a public place, I am going to ask the other girls I’m with if they need to go too. It’s not because I want to hear them pee, or I want them to hear me pee, or any of the other weird things I’ve heard guys suggest. It’s pretty simple actually and it’s because apparently going to the bathroom alone is dangerous. Besides all the spot on fictional examples such as Hermione getting petrified, we are terrified of getting assaulted. When I was young, my dad told me that if I went to  the bathroom alone, someone would kidnap me, and they would use the bathroom to disguise me by changing my clothes and dying my hair so when they dragged me through the public place, he wouldn’t even recognize me. Yep. That’s the kid of fear mongering women hear constantly. Not to mention the more basic benefits of taking a friend with you. For example, when you touch up your makeup, your friend can make sure it looks good. Maybe we need to borrow some tampons. And more likely, we need to converse in private about the stupid assholes we’re with who are so concerned about our defecation habits.

Don’t know we’re beautiful

Besides the fact that we are not supposed to know that we’re beautiful or else we’re cocky bitches, we are constantly reminded that we need makeup to look good at all. Without it we look unprofessional, make less money, and gets more engagement on dating apps. We are exposed to advertising constantly, sometimes getting up to 2000 ads in a day. While men are also held to certain standards as well, women are shown these simple and cheap (if you only needed to buy one, which isn’t true) solutions. We are told that without it we are ugly and imperfect, but with the swipe of a beauty blender, we can look like super models.

“I like girls who order burgers” ™

Why don’t girls eat more?

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Honestly I know you want to eat that burger!

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Don’t order a salad, that’s so plastic!

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Well guess what: if we eat a salad we’re fake and insecure, but if we’re eating junk food, we’re lazy and insecure. Basically we’re just here for you and it’s totally impossible that we just like eating a good salad.

That yucky angry time

So there is a big misconception about periods. People seem to think it’s a time where a little bit of blood leaks out of the vagina and we get a little grouchy, but we always exaggerate it so we can be annoying. The period is actually the time where one of our internal organs is shedding a lining it built. Actual pieces of our bodies, along with significant quantities of regular blood, is exiting out of our vaginas. It’s painful because the uterus is literally tearing itself apart in order to rebuild over the coming 28 days. Our brains are also committing mutiny on the rest of our bodies. We are more vulnerable to regular stresses during our period, and they can cause migraines, insomnia, bloating, backache, and lack of concentration. SO sorry to ask for a little empathy during this time, but at least your body isn’t starting a revolution when you just came to have a good time.

HOW MUCH THEY HATE NICE GUYS WOW

Two questions. 1. Are you really being a nice guy? Like an actually nice guy who is listening to her, and trying to be understanding and kind? Do you actually have anything in common or any level of compatibility? Do you intend on having any actual relationship with her, or are you just trying to have sex? 2. Even if you are being the nicest guy on this whole world, are you aware there a million other reasons she might not want to date you? I know that believing that a couple favors is enough to earn a girlfriend, but you don’t really “earn” people.

Rapid fire:

  1. We shop so much because we’re expected to change our clothes more often
  2. We spend so much time in the bathroom because of all the extra stuff we are expected to have done. Women spend 72 days of their life shaving, and that needs redoing every couple days.
  3. We spend so much money on beauty products because if we appear too old, our worth as romantic partners, mothers, and human beings disappears.
  4. We tend to spend more time shopping because we will pay more than you for the same or similar products 42% of the time, so it’s important to bargain hunt.
  5. We tend to not know about cars or sports because instead of playing with them as children, we got fun toys such as mops and brooms, realistic baby dolls, and kitchenettes.

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